Cautious Relaxation

I'm doing internal medicine at the main university hospital now, which is supposed to be a pressure cooker for every rotation (it certainly is for my roommate, who's on surgery). And it's not so bad, at least so far. My team is really nice and they're not piling on the work. In fact, I get too much downtime, because there are three frigging med students on our team and it dilutes all the work. Oh well. I'm not complaining about getting off work at 3:50pm. I think I'm going to celebrate by going to bed early. In any case, I feel kind of hypervigilant and still a little afraid to relax.

I didn't do anything for Halloween. I was pretty lame. I could've gone trick-or-treating tonight with my nephew, but I felt too tired. Instead I watched The Big Lebowski, which is truly one of the greatest movies of all time.

Home

I wrote this a few days ago, but Blogger was down for maintenance, so I saved it for later.

Such a flash of happiness as I head upstairs to bed. I stopped watching my special edition of the Princess Bride (I've been watching with the audio commentary of William Goldman, the author) and headed up to get ready for bed, and felt happy to be going to bed when I'm not brutally exhausted, just at the thought of getting to snuggle in and read harry potter. and on the way i passed by the nice shampoo/soap smell and humidity left over from my roommate's shower. it's nice to feel at home.

Wow

Just saw the musical Ragtime at Temple University. It was fantastic! I've never seen the show before, but I knew it was epic and hard to put on. This company, though, pulled it off. I'd actually never been to Temple before, either, and the campus looks nice and the people seemed friendly.

Wow

Just saw the musical Ragtime at Temple University. It was fantastic! I've never seen the show before, but I knew it was epic and hard to put on. This company, though, pulled it off. I'd actually never been to Temple before, either, and the campus looks nice and the people seemed friendly.

Wow

Just saw the musical Ragtime at Temple University. It was fantastic! I've never seen the show before, but I knew it was epic and hard to put on. This company, though, pulled it off. I'd actually never been to Temple before, either, and the campus looks nice and the people seemed friendly.

Mwahahaha

I'm starting to see the appeal of internal medicine. I'm getting to the point where I can take a history from a patient and do a physical exam and look at their labs and imaging studies and come up with a differential diagnosis and treatment plan. It's a real power trip. ;)

Vulnerability

I was working out in the gym tonight and looking in the mirror as I lifted weights, and realized my eyes looked a little pink and wet. Then I was showering and was singing in the shower and realized I was having a little trouble belting out the notes because there was a lump in my throat. And then I started crying.

It was one of those weird things where the crying starts first and the realization that you're depressed comes afterward. I decided that when I walked home I would call home and talk to my parents, and get comfort from them (and I did, both).

Anyway, it just made me think about how brittle you can get when you're given a constantly large amount of responsibility. It sort of shuts you off from your emotions. But that is to medicine's detriment, because you can't give comfort if you don't know how to take comfort from others. Asking for and accepting kindness from others is a humanizing act just as much as being kind is. So I feel a little more normal now.

Schizophrenia

My ambivalence about Seth continues. Mostly, I think, I think it was good that we broke up. I don't think we were fundamentally right for each other. But part of me hasn't really gotten the message. I still just assume he's in my life. It's as if that part of my brain decided that it's just another break. It's like these two sides of me are still at war. When we were in the relationship, I felt very strong love for him but also a lot of anxiety and doubt. Now that we're broken up, I feel relief and hope for the future but also a) I miss him in an acute way, wishing I could talk to him, and b) again this strange unconcerned longterm assumption that we'll be getting back together. It's like it's my mom when one of us kids would make a dumb joke, and she'd distractedly make these kissing sounds at us. That's what that part of my brain does when I think "We're done, not going to see each other, finito" etc. Sigh.

My Day

Hehe I'm watching Ali G, in my dredging through my DVD collection, and it's so frickin' funny. I want to go see the Borat movie.

I got to work today at 7am and worked till 6:30pm, missing my nephew's baptism and the Sunday dinner tradition at my parents'. I came home and worked for a few hours on this #@^&ing presentation (that's not a link, stupid Blogger!) on chest pain. GROAN. I'm ready to hang myself. But you know, it's good that I'm being forced to do something uncomfortable with. Man, I used to be so smooth with presentations, back in high school. Then college screwed me up and made me all woolly-headed and disorganized.

This is my last week at my current hospital. I go to my good ol' hardcore university hospital next week, and though I hear it's intense, I get to be on the service with Amylaha! w00t.

Okay, I gotta get up in seven hours. Night.

PSA

Not Prostate-Specific Antigen, the other PSA.

Since this new blog is hopefully read by people I know or at least by non-stalkers, just wanted to put out there that I'll be singing in a choir concert on December 8th. Location TBA, but let me know if you're interested in attending (I hopefully will have a very nice (nicely low, that is) solo) and I'll get you the details closer to the time.

I really love the music we'll be singing. It might be my favorite concert so far, which is surprising, since the centerpiece is a pretty unknown piece: "O Emmanuel" by Davison. Actually, the solo that I'd like is the beginning of the title section, about midway through the piece. But anyway, we're also singing "O Magnum Mysterium" by Poulenc, and some nice haunting Christmas carols. I'm excited. The only concert I liked as much was the Mozart Requiem in spring semester of my first year.

Backpacks

I trust people on the street based on how they're dressed and how they walk. And if anyone carries a backpack, I always trust them. It's all about fine-tuning the urban hackles.

That is all.

Whine and Dine

I had call yesterday and then again this morning. They're human, those medicine people, and don't make us stay overnight with the intern and senior resident. So I left at around 7:30pm, came home, had dinner, then went to bed, then woke up and went to work. Not much time to goof off. But I don't really mind my time at the hospital. The only thing that fills me with dread is all the teaching and learning. What, like I'm in school, for Chrissake? Jeez!

To clarify: the formal teaching is a pain. I present a case in front of a couple teams of residents, interns, and med students, and then a senior resident pimps me for an hour and a half. Once I settle in, it's fun, because it turns into more of a discussion, but I hate preparing for it. I also hate looking up stuff and reporting back on it. And writing formal 5-page single-spaced H and P's. I mean, this all sounds incredibly selfish, and makes me sound like I'm very lazy, and misguided too. But really, it's more that I just like having a life, and when I get home after 11 hours (or 13 on call days, including weekends), I don't feel like doing more research. I have to, though, because I don't get much free time during the day, so preparation for the next day's teaching must happen when I'm away from the hospital. It all breeds resentment. But ain't nothin' I can do but bite the bullet and get the work done. I didn't have any of this teaching stuff on call this weekend, but tonight I had to do some preparation for tomorrow's teaching rounds. Bleah.

Anyway, it's all made better by just having got back from a few days' vacation with my family at a resort in upstate New York. It was so important for me, and very relaxing and refreshing. The food was superb, as always (hence the "Dine" part of the title). The fall foliage was incredible. Dad and I went on a cool hike, climbing ladders through narrow crevices, crawling under massive rocks, edging along cliffs, etc. The only bad part was, my brother Rog couldn't be there. But overall, it was a hell of a relaxing time. I even stopped having my air hunger. (I don't think I mentioned this, but since medicine started, and possibly since Seth and I broke up, I've had the constant desire to yawn or breathe deeply, especially when I'm relaxed or about to go to sleep. It's been very irritating. Dad mentioned that it's a common sign of tension, so, no surprise that it went away during such a restorative vacation.)

Lazy Blogging

Just wanted to point you to this entry by Scheherazade over at Stay of Execution. I think it pinpoints the reason for a lot of young-adult unhappiness, ennui, and confusion. (And by the way, she also links to Malcolm Gladwell's blog in the very next post. I didn't even know he had a blog. But it's good. For all that I have shunned him since he failed to recognize me at the Free Library of Philadelphia booksigning, I have to say I still love his writing. Damn!) ;)

You Know You're Immersed in Med School Culture When...

...you abandon plans to go to the gym, which you had looked forward to, to go to an interest meeting of the ENT society.

(And no, that's not a Lord of the Rings reference.)

Feelin' Fine

I was expecting today to be a total bear. I had three patients to pre-round on and write notes for, two presentations to make today in Teaching Rounds (one large and one small), and then I'd be on call tonight till 9pm.

But it turned out okay. I saw my patients and enjoyed my interactions with them, as well as feeling efficient (I completed discharge paperwork on one of them while waiting for my intern to show up! I think he was pleased). Then Teaching Rounds was fun, as I'm increasingly realizing it is. I feel somewhat knowledgeable, but more than that, I feel comfortable. Although I feel junior, I really feel like a peer. I like answering questions, and also asking questions and clarifying vague points. Plus the attending today had a good sense of humor and was always making little jokes and smiling warmly, which made a big difference in the overall mood. The afternoon, including an interesting lunchtime conference, went quickly, and I got to spend some time outside in the beautiful afternoon sunshine talking to my brother Roger. I only spent three hours on call (instead of 5). What a gift unexpected free time is.

The downside to all this time in the hospital, however, is that my eating habits have gone down the tubes. Today I had a bagel with cream cheese, tea with cream and sugar, beef lasagna, diet Coke, TastyKake Peanut Butter Kandy Kakes (possibly the best dessert ever), and a 6-inch Subway hoagie with cookies. And more Diet Coke. I feel somewhat dumpy. But I guess as I get more used to it, I'll plan ahead more and get some more fruits and veggies into my diet. (I probably won't get much time to exercise, though.) Ah well.

The Weekend

I just came back from my Whim reunion at Yale. I was supposed to be on call Friday night and Saturday morning, but I only stayed about two hours longer than usual on Friday before hopping a train to New Haven. Becca, Amanda, Jess and I sat around for three hours after I got in just looking at photos and trading reminiscences. And catching up on each others' lives. It was fantastic.

Saturday was all Whim, all the time. We had breakfast (with bagels and... BUTTER?! wtf? they had pats *and* whipped butter, but no cream cheese. fuckin' A!) with all the reunion attendees and people gave some speeches. Then we had little rehearsals. They had put us into little clusters of several years' worth each, so I was in the '99 through '02 group, and since there were three pitches in our group and three songs, we each got to pitch a song. It was so fun to stand up there and wave my hands again. ;) The concert went really well, and I was proud of the current group, proud of Whim as an institution, and especially proud of my year and our legacy. I think I really needed to connect to a previous time in my life (especially one that was so rewarding to me).

Anyway, it was an incredible weekend. The alums were uniformly warm, funny, and friendly (although there were of course some oddballs), and the whole event was a blast.

And tomorrow I go back to my rotation. *shudder*

Whew

Well, I feel better than I did in my last post. Medicine is really busy. I had admitted a patient yesterday and seen him this morning, and my senior resident informed me that I'd be presenting the patient later this morning at Teaching Rounds. Aaaaaaaa! I mean, Aaaaallo! Hehe. But also today I had some positive feedback, which is always nice. Or it would be if I weren't so soul-deadened by fatigue. rfyruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoi

Whoops, fell asleep on the keyboard. Time for bed.

Pain

The grief from the break-up hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. I got into bed and realized I'll never be with Seth again. I'll never get to hold him or hold his hand or kiss him or have a meeting of the minds with him the same way, ever, ever again. This sent me into paroxysms of weeping. I screamed with grief, my face contorted, hugging my pillow tight. I couldn't even think most of the time, I just felt enormous pain, like I was being ripped in two. My face hurts and I felt feverish with the amount of energy I was expending, just on crying.

(It's a good thing Diane, my roommate, is on overnight call tonight, or I would've woken her up with my loud wailing. But on the other hand, since I left my cell phone in my white coat in my locker at the hospital, I have nobody to call. So writing this is really the only way I can feel some sort of connection to loved ones at this time.)

Man, I've been so stable recently. I cried Friday night, right after it happened, and then Saturday morning, but not at all, really, since then. I have felt very glum and sad, but in a gentle way, in the past couple of days. It's sort of weirded me out, actually, how normal I've felt. But I guess tonight the shock finally set in. I just can't believe it. I can't. I love him so much, and losing him really feels like I'm losing part of myself. I don't want this to be happening. I hate this pain. God, I hate it. If I had ever questioned the mind/body link (which I hadn't, but anyway), there's no doubt in my mind that one exists. This emotional pain is as bad as any physical pain. I feel like crap.

And on that cheery note, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Thanks for listening.

And So It Begins

Ah, medicine. (Hehe I said that in the way Indy said "Ah, Venice" in the Last Crusade.) (Eeeew.)

It was a good start today. My rotation is at the same hospital where I did my clinical visits during second year, so I know my way around. And at least a couple of the people I'm there with are really cool, so there was a lot of laughter in the conference room as we waited for the administrators to come and orientate us.

In other news, I'm still sad over the break-up, not surprisingly. It's a dull ache that gets especially bad when I'm not occupied with work or friends. And I react sort of the same way I do during test-stress times -- impatient during small talk and minor jokes, sort of unsociable.

Anyway, I might not update often for a while -- I have call every 4 days and a couple trips in the next few weeks. Sigh. Well, I sigh, but actually I'm excited. :)

E! A! G! L! E! S! EAGLES!

A note before I talk football:

So, I ended my previous blog because my boyfriend and I broke up, and I didn't want him reading about my life after that. Plus, I attracted the attention of some weirdos at my old blog, so this blog will be nice and anonymous. Probably the only ones to read this will be folks I send the link to. Anyone who stumbles upon this, you're welcome to stay, as long as you keep your comments non-creepy.

Anyway. I actually don't feel like shouting too much about the Eagles. It's halftime on MNF as I write this, and they've been turning in a pretty pisspoor performance. The only reason we have any points on the board at all is luck. Meanwhile the Packers actually seem to be professionals, gracefully marching down the field. Granted, they haven't been doing spectacularly in this game, but I still think their baseline performance looks solid and not, I don't know, patchy like us.

In other news, if the Democrats don't take over a shitload of seats in Congress, I'm going to man a giant robot and go crush Washington, a la Ripley in Aliens.

In still other news, I start Internal Medicine tomorrow. And I continue having fun in my choir, and hope I get this nice low alto solo in the main piece. Man, our music this semester is really gorgeous. Concert December 8th. w00t!