Pain

The grief from the break-up hit me tonight like a ton of bricks. I got into bed and realized I'll never be with Seth again. I'll never get to hold him or hold his hand or kiss him or have a meeting of the minds with him the same way, ever, ever again. This sent me into paroxysms of weeping. I screamed with grief, my face contorted, hugging my pillow tight. I couldn't even think most of the time, I just felt enormous pain, like I was being ripped in two. My face hurts and I felt feverish with the amount of energy I was expending, just on crying.

(It's a good thing Diane, my roommate, is on overnight call tonight, or I would've woken her up with my loud wailing. But on the other hand, since I left my cell phone in my white coat in my locker at the hospital, I have nobody to call. So writing this is really the only way I can feel some sort of connection to loved ones at this time.)

Man, I've been so stable recently. I cried Friday night, right after it happened, and then Saturday morning, but not at all, really, since then. I have felt very glum and sad, but in a gentle way, in the past couple of days. It's sort of weirded me out, actually, how normal I've felt. But I guess tonight the shock finally set in. I just can't believe it. I can't. I love him so much, and losing him really feels like I'm losing part of myself. I don't want this to be happening. I hate this pain. God, I hate it. If I had ever questioned the mind/body link (which I hadn't, but anyway), there's no doubt in my mind that one exists. This emotional pain is as bad as any physical pain. I feel like crap.

And on that cheery note, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Thanks for listening.