Control

I am noticeably dysphoric at work. Today I ran around like a madwoman, and when I finally got to get lunch with my fellow residents, we had an applicant tag along, which really stuck in my craw. What I really wanted to do was vent, or at least feel free to be visibly upset and unhappy, but instead I had to talk about the program's pros and cons with the student.

I don't know why, but I do not do well with underlings. My theory is that it's because I'm the youngest child in the family. I like being the youngest, learning from elders, being the one to tag along. I feel vicious toward those who tag along with me, and it's really upsetting. I would have always thought that, as I benefitted from those who were good teachers, I would be inspired and would take care to be a good teacher myself. But I feel so stressed out about getting my own work done that the appearance of a med student just annoys the hell out of me. I consciously try to welcome students and take time to teach, but I hate that it feels like such a burden.

It was really only this afternoon, after the med students left and I had time and space and calm in which to finish my work, and finally felt like I was in control, that I relaxed. Sigh.