Exhausted

That's all. Psychiatry takes a lot out of you, yo.

But Ben and Jerry's with my roommate in Rittenhouse Square while some sort of Indian chanting ceremony goes by is a great way to unwind on a summer evening.

and so it begins

Today was my first day of real work as an intern.

It was in a way an anticlimactic day, but in a way overwhelming, exhausting, and full of firsts. My rotation for the next five and a half weeks is in the psychiatric ER, and when it's slow I help out with the consult service. The morning started out easily, with a welcome from the residents, and a leisurely breakfast in the hospital cafeteria. I sat in on rounds with the consult service, and the attending is really smart and nice. I really can't believe that people are nice to me, given that I know nothing and need a bunch of hand holding. In the course of rounding, we had some interesting discussions.

We got a patient in the early afternoon, and I went in with my senior resident and my attending to interview her. I introduced myself using "doctor" and it felt totally normal. Wearing the long coat felt totally normal. Signing my name to a transfer sheet for the patient, on the line that said "Physician Signature," felt totally normal, although I realize as I write this that I forgot to put "M.D." on the end. In fact, it's only as I write this post and include the picture of myself that it really hits me that I'm a doctor now.

But. I still have to earn that title, really. I know I already earned it somewhat through med school, but still, I have a lot of work ahead of me before that I'll actually believe myself as a doctor. It's a gradual process.

News Flash

My New Life

Wow, it's really starting to gel! I walked to my new residency campus for some computer training stuff I had to do today. I ran into someone I know on the elevator and we chatted as we walked a few blocks together. I had a leisurely lunch with my fellow interns. I went to my new gym -- they have tv screens right in front of all the cardio machines! My mind is blown. I worked a bit, tidied up a bit, and went with my roommate out to Tria to meet a couple med school friends for wine, cheese, and dessert. It's the first semblance of a normal day I've had in my new place!

In Love

I had a happy reunion with my psychiatrist today. It'd been a few weeks since we'd seen each other, practically an eternity. He'd gone on a trip and told me a bit about it, and it sounds like he had a great time. We chatted a bit about the work of organizing vacations, and I told him about graduation and my new apartment.

I told him about a nightmare I had a couple nights ago, where I dreamed I had terminal cancer, and it was somehow very real in the dream that I did not much have life left, and that I had to say goodbye to my loved ones (my 4-year-old nephew did not seem to understand). I awoke and realized immediately that it was "just a dream," but that feeling of... I don't know, the ticking clock, the terror of leaving the world very soon, did not fade easily. I'm still somewhat shaken by it.

Anyway, it was wonderful to tell him all my thoughts, and to be able to get everything off my chest. I can tell him things that I don't tell other people -- not that they're secrets, exactly, but really the inner workings of one's mind can make other people uncomfortable. Civilians. Heh. Two or three times during the session I grinned at him and said "I'm so happy to see you!" I think he was glad to see me too. Hopefully it won't be too difficult to schedule our sessions for the coming year.

I'm here at Martha's Vineyard, enjoying the last few days of the longest vacation I've ever had. Today it was hot and humid inland, so we packed up our things and went to trespass on this deserted beach, and it was delightful -- a bit of breeze, pleasant temperature, sunny. Tonight we went to a seafood place, "The Net Result," for sushi (for me and Jaime at least) and now we're watching "The Orphanage." 

Linky McLink Link

I have to say I have a huge respect crush on Isabella Rossellini. I want to be her. I channel her when I'm nervous in social situations. This is one of her latest ventures. I love that she does whatever she feels like doing and isn't afraid to be bizarre.

In other news, this is an interesting op-ed in the New York Times today. I think it's true that women are discouraged from being seen to try too hard, and that the whole Hillary Clinton nutcracker thing represents fears of female power by men. Of course, it's hard to tease apart how much Hillary-hating is garden-variety misogyny and how much is dislike of some personality trait(s) of hers that would arouse a similar response if she were a man.

In still other news, I ran a 5K race tonight, and even though I had to stop and walk a couple times (the heat was bothering me), I still finished faster than my last 5K. w00t!

Rattle and Hum

So, I graduated. I'm officially an M.D.! It feels pretty great. Yesterday was one of the happiest days, if not the happiest day of my life. I threw a graduation party (or really, my Mom did, as she did all the work) at our local swim club. A few of my med school friends and I swam, and the little kids in the family loved the kiddie pool, but most of the adults ate barbecue and drank surreptitiously. (The pool has a no-alcohol policy, but we drank wine out of a Tropicana jug and put vodka and gin in water bottles. Sneaky!) Afterward we came back to my parents' house for champagne, and my brother Skyped in from London. Anyway, I just felt so happy and grateful to my family for all the support they've given me on this long road. And now I'm a doctor!

Today was all about packing up, because tomorrow morning I move. And not a moment too soon, as they cut off our cable and Internet during the Phils game this evening. I'm writing from my med school campus. It was kind of fun, my roommate and I moving about packing up boxes to U2 songs (VH1 Classic had a U2 documentary on this afternoon).

Aaaaand I just looked at the final score -- Phils 5, Reds 4. Rock!