Schizophrenia

My ambivalence about Seth continues. Mostly, I think, I think it was good that we broke up. I don't think we were fundamentally right for each other. But part of me hasn't really gotten the message. I still just assume he's in my life. It's as if that part of my brain decided that it's just another break. It's like these two sides of me are still at war. When we were in the relationship, I felt very strong love for him but also a lot of anxiety and doubt. Now that we're broken up, I feel relief and hope for the future but also a) I miss him in an acute way, wishing I could talk to him, and b) again this strange unconcerned longterm assumption that we'll be getting back together. It's like it's my mom when one of us kids would make a dumb joke, and she'd distractedly make these kissing sounds at us. That's what that part of my brain does when I think "We're done, not going to see each other, finito" etc. Sigh.