Note: This next post is unusually long and involved for my blog. Can you tell it's that precious day after a test? Every six weeks I get one day where I don't have any studying to do. Here goes...
Just now I opened up my email for the morning and the only email was from Stephen's "new" girlfriend (I think they've been dating for at least a year and they possibly live together now). She was just using Stephen's email to correct something he said in his last email, that while he was underwater on a submarine for the next few months, his email address was actually X, not Y. That was it.
I felt the old familiar urge to get worked up at the sight of her name. This all comes from one event, in my New York apartment in the late summer/early fall after he returned from his singing group tour (yes, this is three and a half years ago). When he left for World Tour, all was still happy between us -- earlier in the year, we'd agreed to break up at his graduation, but we didn't act broken up when the event came. And we said blithely "See you in the fall!", planning to get together after he returned and before his Navy boot camp began. But I was feeling sadder and sadder that summer, possibly because of the by-then familiar feeling that I was pining away for him a lot more than he was thinking about me, and finally emailed him that, although I loved him and couldn't wait to see him, I had to think of us as broken up in order to feel ready for these increasing distances. I thought I had made it clear that it was just in my mind, and that I wasn't about to "act single" or anything like that. But he thought it was a real break-up email and apparently was really sad for a little while on tour. And then his group went to Turkey and he met his now-girlfriend at a party (she had a boyfriend at the time as well), and they talked and got along well. In my New York apartment after he returned, he confessed that he wanted to kiss her at that time.
It was like a bomb had gone off. I wept and felt utterly betrayed and angry. *I* wasn't about to move on mentally to the point where I wanted to kiss anyone else. I had sort of flirted with other guys, but just for fun, with not a doubt in my mind who my heart still belonged to (even after my "breakup" email). And here he was, capping off a year of him being the King of Yale and me being a friendless nobody in a new city, and naturally not giving me much time, by telling me of these sparks flying between him and this other girl. I didn't kick him out of my apartment, but maybe I should have. Heh. Anyway, for the record, this was the moment in history when I had my faith in true love stomped on and obliterated. I've still been ready to fall in love again since then, but I don't think I'll ever plunge into relationships in the same starry-eyed way again. And this poor girl, who I'm sure is perfectly nice, and whom I actually suspect I would get along well with -- her name has always made me clench my fists at the memory of this betrayal.
I ended up telling Stephen how I felt, that this was still bothering me in my heart of hearts, a year ago, when he had started dating her and even though I was with Seth. He protested that it wasn't a betrayal, and I, feeling conciliatory and regretting even bringing it up, agreed but said that I had perceived it that way at the time. But you know what? I still think it was a genuine betrayal, even though that one little kiss impulse was unconscious on his part. Possibly he picked up on my feeling; possibly out of memory for that night of me writhing in emotional pain and telling him he had stuck a knife in my heart, he didn't start dating her for at least a year after we began our Year of Not Talking (in which I dated around and began going out with Seth).
But anyway, this is a long way of saying that, I felt the old habit begin to rise when I saw her email this morning -- the habit of getting upset -- but I don't think the emotional oomph is behind it anymore. A voice in my head spoke up "Ooh, I can't believe she emailed me! In a long list of his family and friends, but still! (I wonder what she thinks about me, actually, and if it occurred to her that I was on this list. Maybe she felt a sort of defiance about sending the email, as in "I'm in his life and can speak for him, because we are that much of a unit, so get used to it." Or maybe she innocently followed his request to correct the email address for all his emailees, and didn't have any qualms about it.) Ooh, don't you want to get mad all over again?" No, I replied to the voice. I'm happy for them, and I'd be glad to let that gracious part of me take over from the bitter hurt voice. Old habits die hard, but I think I'm ready to let this issue rest in peace. No fists-clenching this time.
Now, I honestly don't know how involved I can be in his life, even though he wants to be phone and email friends -- part of me doesn't want to talk to him ever again. To clarify: I'm not in love with him and would not go out with him if he showed up on my doorstep right now with a bouquet of flowers. It's just that memories of him still carry emotional power for me, and in fact serve as "that little souvenir of a terrible year," to reference The Sundays. That first year in New York, when I was always going to New Haven for the weekend to visit him, was by far the most psychically painful in my life so far. But anyway, we did have a great connection and can still say anything to each other, and I think we both still have a lot of affection for each other. So maybe I'll maintain an arms-length acquaintance with him, for old-times sake. And for that little return defiance to the world and to each other, to say that, no matter what has happened since and what will happen, we were each other's first loves and therefore will always own a little piece of each other's hearts. Eh. I'm not sure that defiance has any emotional oomph left for me anymore either. :)
As for Seth, I'm having lunch with him today, at his request. It should be fine. But I won't breathe easy about these lunches until at least one of us starts dating someone else and we've moved clearly into friend territory. There's still a vague atmosphere of emotion-laden nostalgia about his few but consistent requests for lunches or coffee. I get the feeling that he realizes the grave mistake he made in breaking up with me and plans on patiently winning me back, NOT for this spring or summer, but for two years from now when he might come back to Philly from his clerkship in a far-away state. He has hinted that he might come back to Philly, and although I believe him that he likes the city, I also think it was a message to me that he hopes to get back together then. (There's a good chance that I'll stay in Philly for my residency.) I do miss him, but mostly I've felt happily free to do what I want with my day and my studies (let's face it, my day is always dominated by studying, so I don't know why I separated the two), without that terrible rollercoaster issue constantly looping around in the back of my mind. I feel like I've done much better after this drama dropped out of my life.
It's funny, when two people love each other very much... heh. No, I think with intense relationships, the relationship is like the lovers' child -- made up of interactions of the two people, but practically with a character all its own. So it's been interesting to look back on these "children" of mine. :)
